Many of you know I’ve written a memoir about my relationship with my ex-husband, which went from deep love to intense loss and betrayal before winding its way back to a different, but no less powerful, kind of love. Mama Mary’s been pushing me to get this book “out there” for a while now, especially now because there are so many people who are dealing with loss. The last couple of months I have been working toward that goal, but slowly and with great resistance—okay, perhaps terror is a better word.

Have you ever heard a phrase you’re very familiar with and suddenly it meant something different to you, as if you were hearing it for the first time? That happened to me very recently when I was praying the Sorrowful Mysteries with the Agony in the Garden.

I’ve noticed a theme on Way of the Rose novena posts lately, people baring their hearts and souls and changing themselves and others in the process. This is a theme I would like to see continuing. I think it is very important that as many of us as possible stand up and say, “This is who I am.”

There was a really popular book by Amy Chua called Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother that came out in 2011. It was about a strict, disciplinarian form of parenting that was supposed to result in kids who graduate from Harvard and Yale. This is not that. It may even be the opposite of that.

Mama Mary’s been prompting me to consider the idea of grace in a novena post. When we say the standard rosary, we say the phrase “full of grace” 53 times, so it must be a pretty important concept. I confess, my understanding of “grace” has always been a bit fuzzy. I’m sure it’s really awesome, but what exactly is it?

Yesterday, I talked about death and how the rosary gives us two examples, one violent, one peaceful. One sorrowful, and one glorious. I didn’t make that explicit yesterday, but it’s there isn’t it? Mary’s death is literally classified as “glorious.”

As you know, if you’ve been reading my posts so far, August is my annual reminder of endings. My son died 18 years ago tomorrow, my marriage died 11 years ago tomorrow, and my ex died two years ago on the the 31st. It’s no wonder death is on my mind.

Today is my dead son’s 18th birthday, and we’re praying the Sorrowful Mysteries. Wednesday is the 18th anniversary of his death when we’re praying the Joyful Mysteries. That, in a nutshell, is the story of my life. The joy always comes mixed with sorrow—and glorious potential.